Stick with the Plan Stan

I feel particulary restless this evening,

spent a large portion of my day in the office looking at postgraduate courses psyching myself up for 2013.

But i have a tendency to go off at a tangent and found myself on the

Central School of Speech and Drama

website looking at short courses on Acting Shakespeare.

There was also a video on YouTube to this effect about liberating the text. I would seriously consider doing this except it is on the same week as I have dog sitting and costs £995.

I can't believe I still have the acting bug at 25, I mean come on grow up, you have grown up you're supposed to be preparing yourself for a well thought out sensible career, no getting side tracked now this is it you've made up your mind.

I guess I'm restless because I understand culture and art and literature, but I am not involved and deep down growing up I always thought I would be by now. I always figured I would have something pretty interesting to put out there, but I don't.

Now my dilemma isn't whether to 'go for gold' it's not even fucking silver.

My parents want me in a completely different race.

Option 1. PGCE English @ Bath or London - graduate age 28

Option 2. MA English followed by PGCE (English) - graduate age 29

Option 3. MA Film followed by PGCE (Media) - graduate age 29

Option 4. MA Film (PT) followed by PGCE (Media) - graduate age 30

God I started writing that list thinking I really wanted option 4 but even that looks depressing now

(incidently parents would want Option 1. in Portsmouth)

ok ok lets big this up here. Option 3 or 4.

Live in London, dog sitting and dog walking jobs crappy bedsit but hay everyone @ uni will be in 'digs'

If I do option 4 then hopefully I could afford slightly nicer digs though not likely

or

(and this is the exciting part)

I could treat myself to a Drama course

and.......

(this will blow your mind)

do my PGCE at the Central School of Speech and Drama.

A Letter to Mrs Tester

Dear Mrs Tester,

I have recently been wondering about a motive you may have had in showing us movies in our english class that were not always related to english.

Adrian Nobles A Midsummer Nights Dream I revisted this afternoon for the first time in well I guess 10 years, the music is by Howard Blake who also composed the Snowman and the cinematography was done by the same guy that did The Crying Game.

One I cannot figure out though is Truly Madly Deeply with Alan Rickman and Juliet Stevenson.... Why? It is fabulous but was there a point? Were you sending us a subliminal message? Or was it that you thought Alan Rickman was quite nice (entirely justified) and fancied some afternoon eye candy, like Mrs Lewis' obsession in Gregory Peck's Atticus (also entirely justified).

I'm trying to remember the posters you had on your wall but I can't, how I wish I could. I feel like you were trying to point in a direction that would be quite fun to follow now, you were quite fun at the time, you let Cicely and I play up, and I probably remember more of Pyramus and Thisbie than any other Shakespeare character.

I also have a confession. If your maiden name was Mary Armstrong and you lived at 28 Prospect Road, Bagnor, County Down, then I have your old copy of Tess of the D'Ubervilles, published in 1958. It has some old timetables scribbled in the back and such beautiful lines underlined throughout;

'The evening sun was now ugly to her, like a great inflamed wound in the sky'

'Experience is to intensity, and not as to d u r a t i o n'

'If it is I you do love, O how can it be that you look and speak so? It frightens me! Having begun to love you, I love you for ever - in all changes, in all disgraces, because you are yourself. I ask no more. Then how can you O my husband, stop loving me? '

I know I ought to send this back, it could have been a treasure to you, it has been a treasure to me, It represents the beginning of my literary analysis. I will send it back one day, just one more read....

Kindest Regards

Oh Darn

Orlando 1992

WOW..... blew my mind

Love

How can someone become so cynical about love without ever experiencing it?

Sometimes I wish

Sometimes I wish I were defense LESS

I am so .......... what am I ?

My friend has a blog in which she bares ALL

Part of me is like, 'wow that takes guts'.

The other part (the cynical one) thinks 'wow no wonder you get hurt easy'.

I wish my cynical side wasn't there, it's pretty mean, it's the side that doesn't know how to react when someone is upset, it's the selfish side that has no time for moaners.

But at the same time that cynical side is a rather wonderful defense mechanism.

'don't cry over spilt milk'

'if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all'

AKA

Don't show emotion

Don't let anyone really know what you think

See if I don't show people that I am hurt, then they don't know how to hurt me

and if I'm always nice then no one is gonna want to hurt me

Right?

So what am I, well I'm on autopilot with the shield armed and ready

Send me no Valentine

SEND ME NO VALENTINES

Ok so update for the avid readers (one to be exact)

Previously discussed BOY keeps posting love tokens through my door, this is embarrassing as I live with my parents and a lot of the time they are getting a good eyeful at these before I get home.

They take the form of carefully typewriter written lyrics to my favourite songs, CD's to borrow and..... the A-dorable guy even downloaded a film I wanted to see, put it on a memory stick and posted that through.

My mother says I ought to tell him I'm not interested already but I can't because you never know there may be that miniscule chance that he is just being exceptionally nice.

I must make a single girls plan for valentines as if I have none and he asks me I will feel compelled to say yes to avoid seeing a forlorn look on his oh so young face.

I NEED a boyfriend, a boyfriend could solve this dilemma

Staunton, Virginia

Staunton, Virginia

I really miss Virginia and a certain family

I want to be part of this family

But I'm stuck on the wrong side of a big ocean

I'm training for a new career with a ticket across that big ocean

Can i wait that long?

Will he wait that long?

For me to cross that big ocean

To be part of a certain family

For it will take so long